I and Love and You
by tiltingaxis
Summary: AU. "Rachel Berry," he says, putting on a cheerful voice as he grabs her hand. "Will you be my best man? Or you know, woman?" He's smiling at her, a hollow, wooden smile that she's never seen on him before, and there's a stricken feeling in her chest, like her heart is being squeezed dry.


**A/N: This started as a tumblr prompt that grew into a monster lol.**

* * *

_Dumbed down and numbed by time and age  
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage  
The highway sets the traveler's stage  
All exits look the same_

* * *

_She checks her reflection in the big glass window once again, trying to determine if everything is perfect. There's a slight wrinkle to her dress from sitting in the cab, and the bun in her hair has loosened just a little, wisps of brown locks falling over her eyes. Puffing her cheeks, Rachel blows upwards to push her hair away, grinning. She looks good, even if she does say so herself. __**Not that Finn would notice anyway**__, she muses absent-mindedly as she continues on her way, walking towards Sardi's. She hasn't seen her bestfriend in almost six months. That's the terrible affliction of going to colleges in different states. Oh, they still talk every day of course. Or, every other day, when she's not too busy with her dance classes and he's not too busy being the big man on campus (__**Quite literally**__, she thinks, giggling to herself). When Finn had announced his plans to visit her in New York, she had been surprised, and absolutely delighted, of course. _

_The truth is, trying to carve her mark in New York takes quite a lot of effort, and without Finn around to remind her that breathing is necessary once in a while, she tends to keep going until the hyperventilation sets in. He's always been the one person that could calm her down, just like she has always been the one he always listens to. They've been friends for years. In fact, Rachel can't remember a moment in her life without Finn in it. Their parents used to say that they had their own secret baby language when they were toddlers. Wherever Finn went, Rachel followed and vice versa. There's no Finn without Rachel, and there's no Rachel without Finn. That's just the way it had always been. People used to assume that they were a couple, and although she'd spent more than her fair share denying it, he never seemed to mind (Secretly she thinks that maybe it's fate. All they need is the right timing after all). They were each other's date to every school dance (except junior prom. He went with Santana Lopez and she went with Jesse St. James because that was the year they decided to give romance a try. Neither relationship lasted very long) because it was just easier that way._

_She steps into the restaurant, politely declining the waiter's assistance as she looks around for a familiar mop of brown hair. She finds him sitting in the corner of the room, playing with his glass, a look of absolute boredom on his face. She beams, hurrying her steps towards him._

"_Finn," she calls out. He looks up, the blank look on his face transforming into a beautiful smile when he stands. She feels her heart skip a beat as their distance close and he pulls her into the comfort of his familiar arms. She takes a deep breath, breathing in his familiar scent as he hugs her close._

"_Rachel," he murmurs against her hair. "Man, I missed you so much."_

"_I miss you too," she mumbles, pulling away to get a good look at him. "Look at you! Finn, you have a tan!" she exclaims while he laughs. He pulls out her seat for her, ever the gentleman, and she mutters a soft thank you._

"_It's kind of a given with the training and all that," he says ruefully. "I mean, college football is a whole new ballgame."_

"_Yeah? Besides which, I still haven't properly congratulated you for your last win, so congratulations!"_

"_Thanks Rach."_

_She beams._

"_I still can't believe you're here. For a __**whole**__ weekend! We're going to have so much fun I promise. I'll take you to all the tourist spots you don't want to miss, and you absolutely have to try a kebab because I know you'll love it. And okay, I know musicals aren't really your thing, but NYADA's putting on How to Succeed, and I thought we could go. You, know just like old times."_

"_Sounds great," he says, smiling at her. She frowns at the way he's averting his gaze. _

"_What's wrong?" she asks curiously._

"_Nothing."_

"_I know when you're lying Finn Hudson," she tells him witheringly. He sighs, running a hand through his hair._

"_It's just- I kinda have a surprise for you," he mumbles. _

"_I love surprises," she says brightly. "Give it to me."_

"_Maybe- maybe we should eat first-"_

"_No, __**Finn**__. You know I won't be able to have a single bite until you tell me what it is," she insists. He stares at her, and she can't seem to read the expression on his face right then, before he sighs, reaching into the pocket of his pants. She holds her breath when he pulls out two velvet boxes and places them in front of her. She looks up at him sharply, but he's avoiding her gaze, nodding instead to the boxes on the table._

"_Finn," she breathes. "What-"_

"_I can't- they're- I can't decide, because you know I'm terrible with these things. Remember that time for Christmas when I got you that pig, and you really wanted earrings, and I ended up buying you the wrong ones? I just- I don't know how to pick these things, but I figured- I mean you've always been able to know when the right-"_

"_Finn you're rambling."_

"_Right. Sorry. I just-" She realizes she's still holding her breath when he opens them, revealing two small engagement rings. She's more than a little overwhelmed._

"_Which one do you like better?" he asks quietly. Her eyes zero in on the one on the left, a simple silver band with a small, heart-shaped diamond. Dumbly, she points at it. He smiles, his lips pulling up to the right._

"_That one kinda reminded me of you," he confesses softly._

"_Finn," she says cautiously, looking up at him with wide eyes. "What's going on?"_

_They've known each other their whole lives, he's never rendered her speechless before. Is he proposing? Is this that timing they've both been waiting for? Will she-_

"_Quinn's pregnant." All thoughts of her probable engagement flies out of her head as her head snaps up towards him in surprise._

"_What? Who- who's- that cheerleader you talked about a few months back?" she whispers. He nods quietly. "I didn't know she was your girlfriend."_

" _I- it's complicated."_

"_Is it- is it yours?" It feels like he just poured ice down her back, she couldn't stop shivering at the sober look on his face. He doesn't answer her, but she knows him well enough to know everything that he's thinking. Besides, they're sitting at Sardi's with two engagement rings between them, what other indication would she even need?_

"_Are you sure?" she asks quickly._

"_Rachel-"_

"_No, Finn, I'm serious. I just- wow, this is happening too fast for me to process."_

"_I know what you mean." They're both silent as she allows the situation to sink in, staring dumbly at the rings in front of her. _

"_You don't have to do this," she finally says, her voice a strangled whisper as she tries to control her emotions. "There are options."_

"_Yeah," he mumbles. She knows Finn Hudson, inside and out, and she knows that there aren't any options. Not for him. His hand reaches out, snapping the boxes shut. She watches as he takes the one she chose and pockets it safely in his pants._

"_This one," he says quietly, his voice a little hollow as he taps on the other box. "I'll give her this one."_

"_Finn-"_

"_Rachel Berry," he says, putting on a cheerful voice as he grabs her hand. "Will you be my best man? Or you know, woman?" He's smiling at her, a hollow, wooden smile that she's never seen on him before, and there's a stricken feeling in her chest, like her heart is being squeezed dry._

"_Finn-"_

"_She's having my kid Rach," he cuts in quietly. The burn in the back of her eyes is acute._

"_When?" she whispers._

_Xxx_

"_That was amazing!" He exclaims enthusiastically as they make their way out of the theatre. She nods her head half-heartedly as they fall in step, but she says nothing._

"_Much better than the one we saw back in Columbus. Right, Rach?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_What did you tell me about that girl in the last production? She was off pitch or something right? Well, I'm pretty sure the girl tonight was totally on pitch the whole time."_

"_Huh."_

"_You'd do better though."_

_She nods as they reach the end of the hallway, and as she's about to step out the door, he pulls her by the arm._

"_Rach, c'mon. Look at me."_

"_Finn, we're blocking people's way," she says instead, looking away as she pulls against his hold. He sighs, taking her hand and pulling her towards an empty bench in the courtyard. He sits, and pulls her down when she refuses._

"_There. We're not in the way anymore. Now, will you look at me?"_

"_I am looking at you."_

"_No you're looking at my shoulder. Rachel, __**please**__. I'm leaving in two days and you haven't looked me in the eye since- well, since, you know."_

_She sighs, moving her gaze up to meet his pleading features. _

"_I said I'll be your best man, didn't I?" she asks testily. "What more do you want from me?"_

_She ignores the hurt that passes through his face as she stubbornly looks back down. _

"_Rachel I-"_

"_I __**can't**__ be happy for you, if that's what you want," she continues. "I'm not. I think you're making a big mistake."_

"_Rache-"_

"_There, I said it. This is a __**mistake**__ Finn. You can't get married. It's crazy!"_

"_What do you want me to do? Tell her to get rid of my baby?"_

"_No-"_

"_What? Adoption? Just give that kid away? Or should I just ignore it? Pretend like I'm not responsible. 'Cause you know, that worked out so well for my dad," he finishes sarcastically. She winces, knowing that his dad will always be a sensitive issue for him. She feels an irrational surge of anger for that man as well. If only he hadn't walked out on Finn and his mom when they were kids, then Finn won't have this __**insane**__ need to take responsibility for every little thing in his life. _

_Probably, but maybe not. And this isn't a little thing, is it? It's a big, __**big**__ thing._

"_Well don't get mad at me!" she finally says, upset that he's still glaring at her. He sighs, shaking his head._

"_I'm not, I promise. I just- I can't get out of this one Rachel. Do you think I want this? I __**don't**__ want this, and neither does Quinn, but-"_

"_Two people can take care of a child without getting married Finn. We live in the 21__st__ century, we can do that."_

"_No. She's- she's like religious, and stuff. There's no way her parents will let that happen."_

"_Oh, but one-night stands are okay?" she asks sarcastically._

"_Rachel," he says quietly, and she simmers down, reproached._

"_I'm sorry," she mumbles. "That was mean, I'm sorry."_

"_No," He shakes his head again, taking her hand in his. It's freezing outside, but his hands are warm around hers. She hates looking him in the eye. She can't look him in the eye without feeling like he's squeezing her heart to death. _

"_I know," he says softly. "I know you're mad at me, and I don't- I'm terrified, okay? I just- I need you to be on my side Rach. I can't- I can't do this without you, you know? I need my best friend."_

_She's quiet for a long while, staring intently at the way his hands are dwarfing hers. This whole situation is still bizarre to her, and she keeps thinking that this is all just a big misunderstanding. This can't be happening. This can't be __**real**__. This can't be __**their**__ lives. This isn't supposed to happen this way. She looks up, and she knows him well enough to know how hard he's trying to keep it together right now. She knows him, knows that he won't cry, __**can't**__ cry in front of anyone, not even her. He wants to be strong. He wants to be nothing like his father. And he can't do this without her._

"_Well," she says, her tone tinged with false brightness as she forces herself to understand. She turns her palm to weave their fingers together. "That's what you came here for, isn't it?"_

xxx

Her hand trembles as she reaches out a fist towards the door. Just like the last five times, she pauses an inch away, her resolve breaking. She's shaking, her whole body is shaking from the emotions she's keeping at bay. _God_, how the hell is she supposed to do this when she can't even breathe without falling apart? She hears a loud thud from the other side, his quiet voice muttering a soft curse. He's standing right there, right behind this Goddamned door. Quickly, before she loses her resolve again, Rachel reaches out, knocking three sharp raps against the door.

She holds her breath as she listens to the sound of his footsteps. She jumps just a little when the door opens and he's standing right in the middle of it in their old school sweatshirt and a pair of boxes. His lips stretch wide open when he sees her, his eyes crinkling as he takes in her yellow sundress, velvet jacket and full-brimmed hat. Her getaway outfit.

"Rachel, hey! Come in," he says, pulling her hand before she can get a word in edgewise.

"I'm actually in a hurry-"

"Where're you going? I can come with you, it's not like I'm needed here-"

"Finn-"

"Actually, can you just wait a sec while I change? Thank God you're here, I think I'm gonna go crazy if I have to talk about this wedding one more time."

"It's tomorrow-"

"I know that," he snaps. "Don't you think I know that?"

His hard gaze softens when it falls on her, and he sheepishly runs a hand through his dishevelled hair, standing next to his unmade bed with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry Rach. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just- I guess all this wedding stuff is stressing me out, you know? I mean, Quinn's falling apart every five seconds, and I'm trying real hard to be patient about it 'cause of the baby and all, but like, I wasn't the one who wanted a big fancy wedding in five months, you know?"

"I know."

"I just- I don't care if the guests are having the chicken or the fish. Why can't we just put them both out on a buffet table and just let 'em at it or something? I mean thank-"

"That's what I need to talk to you about Finn," she cuts in quickly. She's getting sucked into him again, and she can't be. She needs a clear head right now. He stops his rant, his face sobering quickly at the look on hers. From where she's standing by the door, she watches him as he sits on the edge of his bed. They stare at each other quietly for a few seconds, her hand in the pocket of her light jacket.

"What is it?" he asks quietly, face breaking into a reassuring but cautious smile.

"I-" she starts, her nerves trembling again as she looks at him. How can she leave him here, all on his own when she knows just how close he is to losing it? This wedding, this marriage, everything attached to this is tearing him apart, she knows. He's her _best_ friend, and it's her job to be his tether, to hold on to his sanity for him.

But she can't. She's tried, okay? It hurts too much. Watching him throw his life away, giving up on his dreams to settle down with a beautiful girl and a baby on the way. _God_, they're living in Cleveland. That's where Quinn is from, and that's where Finn will be staying from now on. He's not supposed to be in Cleveland. He's not supposed to be anywhere near Cleveland. He was supposed to spend three years in Columbus coming up to the realization that New York is where his dreams are, and they're supposed to come up with the realization that _they're_, that Finn and _Rachel_, are meant to be together, and they're supposed to fall madly in love and be together for the rest of their lives.

He wasn't supposed to screw that up.

She's angry, she's _livid_, that he screwed that up.

Her fingers graze against the velvet box as they wrap around it. Pulling it out of her coat she walks over to him, gently placing it on the mattress.

"I'm giving this back to you," she says quietly, shooting him a small smile while he looks on in confusion.

"Rachel, what-"

"I'm resigning as your best woman. I'm leaving Finn, okay?"

"Did Quinn say something?" he asks sharply, turning towards her with a determined look on his face. She shakes her head. That's another thing, she guesses. Quinn hates her. She hardly knows why. If anything, _she's_ the one stealing Finn away from Rachel and if anybody has a right to be angry, it's Rachel (She _knows_ this logic doesn't make any sense okay?). But in the grand scheme of things, with everything else that this wedding means, having his future wife hate her is the least of her problems.

"Then you're staying. Even if she did, you're still staying-"

"No, Finn. I need to go-"

"You can't go," he says lightly. She ignores the underlying tension running under his airy tone. "You're my wingman, remember?"

"Finn, I'm a very busy woman. I'll have you know, that I've just been casted as Eponine in NYADA's production of Le Mis, which, I have told you is _crucial_ to my resume. The rehearsals start tomorrow, what will you have me do?"

"You can't skip one stupid rehearsal?" he asks in disbelief.

"Are you calling what I do stupid?" she asks testily. He stares at her, mouth agape. So maybe she's asking for a confrontation, she's not sure herself.

"No!" he exclaims. "Of course not! You know I think you're amazing. I just- I thought some things are just _slightly_ more important than one rehearsal of your life."

"Oh so you're telling me that I have to give everything up for you?" she demands angrily. She was supposed to pretend this part, but the heat overtaking her body feels pretty real. "I need to drop everything for this wedding? Compromise on my dream because of my best friend?"

"Rachel, what are you-"

"My dreams are more important than that Finn," she says, her voice even as she stares him down. "They're more important than you."

That shut him up. He's still sitting on his bed, but she's started to move, refusing to catch his eye, refusing to see the hurt expression that's surely plastered on his face. She won't look at him, won't let the sudden deafening silence break her as she walks away.

"Now if you'll excuse me," she tells him, catching her voice, keeping it calm. "I have a plane to catch. Good luck with the wedding Finn, I'm sure it'll turn out lovely. Kurt's ready to be my stand-in, so I'm sure it won't be that hard to find another groomsmen. Maybe one of Quinn's cousins will do it. "

She reaches the end of the room, fingers twisting the doorknob again.

"Goodbye Finn."

He doesn't answer, and maybe that's just as well. Let him be angry, that's fine.

She pulls the door open, ready to step out, when one large hand takes her by surprised, slapping against the door to close it back again. She whips around to find him standing close, looming over her small frame.

"Finn, let me-"

"You're lying," he says quietly. Tension lines every corner of his face, every crook of his stiff shoulders, but his eyes are still warm, gazing down at her softly. There's a tinge of sadness that causes her to look away. "You're lying to me Rachel."

"I'm not," she whispers. There's a hint of a smile on his lips, but it doesn't follow through.

"I know you, remember?" he whispers back. Tears prickle the back of her eyes at his words, and in an instant, the emotions she's been holding at bay comes up to the surface as Rachel sags against the door. She feels his fingers curving around her shoulders to steady her, and pulls away, anger shooting up her spine like razorblades as she looks up at him, eyes flashing.

"I hate you," she bites out. Through the blur of her tears, she makes out the stunned hurt on his face. "I hate you so much."

"Rachel-"

"You don't know me Finn," she snaps, her voice getting louder as the tears fall even faster. "If you knew _anything_ about me, then you know how I feel about you, about us. Or is that what you're telling me? That you knew everything, but you're still doing this anyway?"

His face softens, understanding dawning his features, and if anything, it only fuels her fury. He reaches out once again to touch her, but she evades him, storming towards the other end of the room. He takes a step forwards and she takes another back, sending him a warning gaze. She doesn't want to be anywhere near him.

"I'm sorry," he tells her, standing still. She won't acknowledge that look on his face. "I- I screwed up-"

"You're having a baby Finn!" she screams. He flinches at her words, but she's beyond caring. "You're getting married to someone _else_! How could you have been so stupid? God, why were you so _stupid_!"

"Ra-"

"Am I an idiot?" she asks, her voice hoarse. "Tell me Finn, am I an idiot for feeling like this?"

"No."

"Because things aren't supposed to happen this way! This isn't supposed to go this way for us!"

"I know. Rachel I know that," he says quickly, voice tight as he come closer. He's walking towards her cautiously, like he's afraid that she'll bolt in one wrong move. Granted with the way she's feeling, he's not that far off the mark. She doesn't move, letting him come closer until he's close enough to touch her.

"How could you do this to me?" she asks, tears still streaming down her face. She knows these words hurt, she can see how they cut right through him in the way his shoulders droop and his face falls. "How could you- how could you ask me to just stand by, stand _next_ to you, while you give yourself away to someone else?"

"I'm an asshole," he whispers. "I'm selfish. Rachel, I'm a jerk."

"I know you are," she shoots back, an almost smile ghosting her features at the old throwback. He shakes his head, and he's close enough for her to see the tears pooling in his own eyes.

"I just-" he stops, shaking his head again. "I just wanted you close. I wanted you next to me," he whispers. He steps even closer, their feet touching. Her fingers itch to smooth out the crease on his forehead, the way they always do when he gets this close.

"It's killing me," she whispers, her hand moving up towards his face, fingers grazing against the skin on his forehead. She sees him visibly relaxing at her touch, she knows him. She knows him just as well as he knows her. She knows he loves her, just as much as he knows she loves him.

"It's killing me too," he says quietly, his eyes earnest as he leans into her touch. Why did they wait so long? Why did they wait too long?

"I want a do over," she whispers when his fingers land on her face, wiping away her tears. "I want you to do this over."

"Rachel-"

"Fix this Finn," she says quietly, her tone pleading as she shuffles closer towards him. "I want you to fix this."

He doesn't say a word, trailing his fingers up to gently push her hat away. It falls to the ground, unnoticed by them both when he pulls at the pins holding her hair back, letting them fall over her shoulders.

"Do you know how much I love your hair?" he murmurs softly instead, his fingers combing through her dark brown locks, grazing against her ear. She shivers at his touch, but she won't back down.

"I'm serious Finn. I-"

"You know back in sixth grade," Finn says, ignoring her, his eyes firmly staying on the strands looped around his fingers. "When Tommy Manning, that dick, picked on you and threw gum in your hair and you had to cut it off? I beat the shit out of him."

"He said he fell off a tree," she says, frowning at the memory of Tommy coming to school on Monday with two huge bruises on the sides of his face. Was that why the school bully left her alone for the rest of middle school?

"He lied," Finn answers, shrugging. "I told him to, 'cause I knew you'd be mad at me."

"Finn, of course I-"

"Remember when you didn't go to school on Friday, 'cause you thought you looked terrible and you told your dads you'd never forgive 'em if you had to?" he unwinds her hair from his fingers, trailing his hand down the side of her neck to rest on her spine. She doesn't know when she began to hold her breath, but she can't breathe as her hands move from her sides to rest on his chest, pushing against him to feel the rapid beating of his heart.

"Yeah."

"And I came over after school, and we watched Funny Girl and a bunch of other musicals and we stuffed our faces with ice cream and marshmallows," he chuckles quietly and it reverberates through his whole body, she can feel it in her hands. "It was kind of awesome, even with Rent."

She rolls her eyes slightly when he raises an eyebrow.

"Rent was a great musical, you uncultured-"

"And then you cried right before I went home. You said you never wanted to go to school again, or at least until your hair grew back because you looked ugly, which was totally wrong by the way, and-"

"And you told me I looked beautiful and you kissed me," she finishes softly. Her fingers are curling into his shirt and his hands are on her waist, holding her to him as he nods, smiling. "That was my first kiss."

"Mine too."

"That's a lie. I know for a fact that you kissed Melissa Diaz when you played Seven minutes in heaven at her birthday party two months before."

"Yeah, but that wasn't a real kiss. The one with you, that was a real kiss."

"Finn-"

"That was when I knew." His arms are encircling her, wrapping themselves around her waist as he leans down, and their proximity is making everything else around them fall away. Nothing else exists but the two of them, and the way that Finn is looking at her, and the way that she's pulling him closer.

"What?" she whispers, the word barely legible. She stands on her tiptoes before she realizes it, leaning up so that he doesn't have to lean down too far, and they're so close now that she can feel his breath on her skin every time he exhales.

"That I was done. That I was never gonna love any other girl the way that I love Rachel Berry."

"Finn," she murmurs, falling into silence when she can't find another word to say. She's crying again, and this peculiar cross between elation and utter misery is threatening to drive her crazy. Their hearts are racing, and for one, undeterminable second, she sees her resolve mirroring in his eyes.

"I love you Rachel," he whispers against her lips, crushing her body into his when she wraps her arms around his neck. "I-"

"I know," she whispers back. She feels the hint of his smile against her lips. She wants to tell him that she loves him too, wholly and completely, but their lips are fused together as he kisses her furiously, tracing her lips with his tongue before she allows him entrance. His tongue touches hers tentatively, and she almost smiles at his hesitance and the way it emboldens her as she pushes herself even closer. She's never been kissed this way before, with this much desperation and love. She's never kissed this way before. But then again, she hadn't been kissing Finn before, had she? The passion is threatening to consume them, and she wishes that it would, that it could dissolve that voice of doubt in her head. His hands are digging almost painfully into her skin, and she has a vice lock around him, but it's not close enough to drown away the reality of their situation.

She can't ever seem to get close enough for that.

"I can't," he says breathlessly when they finally pull away. The anguish in his tone is breaking her heart as he pulls her close, her face pressed against his furiously beating heart.

"You can't what?" she asks quietly, closing her eyes when she feels his lips against the crown of her head.

"I can't fix this," he whispers, voice choked with his own tears while she cries into his chest.

"You don't have to get married," she says uselessly. His sigh reverberates through her, and she feels his defeat in her bones.

"I can't leave her Rachel," he says quietly. "I can't leave my baby."

"I know."

"Quinn will never let me anywhere near her if I walk away."

"I know."

"Rachel, I can't choose between you and my daughter," he breathes out, his grip around her tightening. She says nothing, wiping her eyes against the fabric of his shirt. She breathes in once, twice, taking a deep breath of everything that makes up Finn Hudson, before she steps back.

"You don't have to," she answers, looking up at him with a tremulous smile. "I won't make you, okay? That's how much I love you."

"Rachel-"

"I hope you have a wonderful life Finn. I really, really do," she says, stepping out of his arms as she quickly gathers her hat on the floor, pulling it low over her head. He reaches out to grab her arm but she shakes her head. "I'm going to leave, okay? I really did call Kurt, so you don't have to worry about finding my replacement. I-"

"What's going to happen?" he asks, voice subdued. "To us."

"Finn," she says imploringly. "Please. I just- I _can't_, okay? Maybe we'll figure this out, you know? Maybe, maybe we'll move past this, but not right now. I can't be here right now, okay?"

There's silence from his end. She's facing the door, once again standing right in front of it, willing herself to turn the knob. She won't look at him, she can't.

"Okay," he finally says, his voice clear, firmer than it had been just a few minutes before. "Okay."

"Goodbye Finn." He doesn't answer as she finally gets the door open, stepping out into the empty hallway. She turns at the doorway, catching her last look at Finn Hudson for who knows how long. He's standing on the far end of the room, looking back at her with his disheveled appearance. She sees the clench of his jaw, his hands in fists against his sides.

"I'm still your best girl, right?" she asks, her voice light as she tries to smile. He shakes his head imperceptibly, managing to turn his lips just slightly upward.

"You're my best everything."

xxx

She leaves as quickly as her feet would carry her, holding in the acute desire to deconstruct and cry as she walks briskly towards the waiting taxi.

She reaches the vehicle, jumps into her seat, and they make it for about a block and a half before the urge to cry overwhelms her.

At least the cab driver is nice enough to offer her his tissues.

Xxx

She reaches home at nearly two in the morning, eyes bloodshot and nose stuffed as she drags her carry-on behind her, pushing open the dorm room to be greeted by silent darkness. Stepping inside, she turns on the light and walks straight to her desk, slamming down the picture of them at prom (he has his arm wrapped around her and she was wearing his jacket. She tries not to remember how he had won Prom King and dropped his crown on her head the moment his dance with the queen was over), before she drops her luggage to the floor.

She takes a seat on the edge of her bed, fingers playing with the hem of her dress. She hadn't been lying to him. NYADA _is_ doing Le Mis, and she _is_ Eponine. It's just that rehearsals don't really start for another week. If it really is tomorrow, then at least she would have something to distract her. As it is, she's free as a bird until then, and she doesn't know what to do.

Her eyes hurt (she can barely open them), her face is swollen, she caught a glimpse of herself on the cab home from the airport, and she looks like someone just died. (She's heartbroken, that's kind of like dying, right?)

Sighing, she leans back, dropping herself down against the mattress with a loud huff. What is she going to do now?

(He didn't try to contact her. Granted, she has her phone turned off, but she checked when she landed. He didn't call once. She doesn't know if she's supposed to be relieved by that)

xxxx

She fell asleep in her summer dress and when she wakes up, it's hard to open her eyes. She's disoriented, momentarily confused about where she is until the memory of his kiss comes skidding into her brain, and she remembers.

Finn's getting married today.

Her eyes blare open, and she stares at her ceiling, heart beating rapidly in her chest as she tries to move. She turns her head to the side and catches the time on her alarm clock. It's almost noon. He'll be saying his vows in ten minutes. He's probably at the altar right now, Kurt by his side, ring in hand. Rachel shuts her eyes again, clenching the bed sheet in her fists.

She will _not_ cry. She refuses too.

"There's no point in wasting your tears over spilled milk Rachel Berry," she whispers to herself.

Xxx

She takes a shower, a very _long_ shower, singing any song that comes to her at the top of her lungs. She begins the chorus to My Man before her brain could catch up to her lungs, and the tears prickle her eyes once she realizes it.

Damn it.

Xxx

She keeps herself busy by cooking lunch, determinedly ignoring the time. She's not thinking of him in his tuxedo. She's not imagining his face, picturing the sorrow in his eyes as he said goodbye. She's not thinking of Finn Hudson and how she knows him well enough to know how he's feeling right now. She's not thinking of his broken heart, or _her_ broken heart. She's not thinking of Finn Hudson.

She's _not_.

Her eyes water as the knife she's holding slices through her skin.

That's the problem with ripe onions, she thinks as she rinses the small cut, leaving the half-cut vegetable, they always make her cry.

Xxx

She stays in her room all day, doing sit-ups and push-ups and vocal warm ups. She spent the better part of the evening imitating the poses from her yoga DVD, sweating out every feeling in her bones until she's exhausted.

She doesn't turn on her phone until it's almost time for bed, cautiously waiting for the network signal as she lies under her covers. The first text comes through, and then another before she could open it. Fifteen texts and missed calls blow up her phone in the next three minutes, and her heart almost stutters in her chest as opens her inbox.

She frowns as she scrolls through them all. They're all from Kurt. One from her daddy, and another from the musical's director, but the rest is all Kurt's. She decides to ignore them all, but her eye catches five words and she sits up from the bed.

(Where the hell is Finn?)

What? She scrolls down again to the first text, impatiently reading Kurt's short words of comfort before she moves on to the next one. He says that he doesn't want to bother her, but Finn's late and he's nervous (How insensitive was _that_?). And then comes the third message, and that's when he goes ballistic.

(Is he with you?)

Of course Finn isn't and wasn't with her. This boy is ridiculous. Her pulse is racing as Kurt's texts become increasingly hysterical until she reaches the second to last.

(Oh my God Rachel. You wouldn't believe what just happened. I knew that Quinn girl shouldn't be trusted. The little harlot.)

"What?" she cries out loud, jumping out of her bed in her excitement. She opens the last text, and one simple sentence is enough to make her heart leap up to her throat.

(Guess the wedding's off. Thank God.)

She searches for Kurt's name through her phone book impatiently, pacing back and forth in her small room as she waits for him to answer her call.

"Rachel?" he sounds like he just woke up, but she could care less.

"What the hell is going on?" she demands.

"Are you aware of how late it is?"

"Kurt, I don't care if it's three in the morning, what happened to the wedding?"

"Oh so you do care," Kurt answers cattily while she rolls her eyes. "I thought you swore off it-"

"Oh my God, Kurt I swear-"

"The wedding's off."

"What do you mean, off?"

"I mean, there was no wedding. The guests were stood up, the priest was pissed, Carole cried out of happiness-"

"What happened? Kurt?" she asks, her voice louder when he doesn't answer.

"You should ask Finn that," he finally says, his slightly playful tone giving way to a quieter one.

"But-"

"I found out from the queen bitch herself, actually the whole party found out from her, and boy, is that a story for the future. Anyway, I'm sure he'd like to tell you about it for himself."

Dread fills every inch of her body as the worst case scenario looms over her head.

"Kurt," she says in a panic. "Kurt, is the baby okay? Is-"

"The baby's fine. Rachel, really, I'm not the right person to tell you about it."

"Is he okay?" she whispers, worried.

"Not really. But he will be, I think."

"Why didn't he call me?" she wonders out loud.

"Why don't you try calling him?"

xxx

She does. She calls and calls and calls, but he doesn't pick up. She waits until the morning and calls Kurt to ask if Finn's with him, but he says that he hasn't seen his stepbrother since Finn walked out on the wedding.

"Carole is a mess," Kurt whispers to her. "He won't answer her calls either."

A thousand different thoughts run through her worried mind. He could be heartbroken, he could be drunk, he could be _dead_, lying in a ditch somewhere and no one would know. _She_ wouldn't know, and how could he do this to her, leave her worrying like this?

Where _is_ he?

Xxx

It's day two after the wedding, and nobody knows where Finn is. For a guy who was always the worst at hide and seek, Finn sure is doing a hell of a job at not being found. She spends her time calling everyone he knows, from Kurt to their high school friends to his friends from college (Everyone but Noah Puckerman picks up her calls, and she wonders if maybe Finn's hiding out with his college roommate).

She's left a million voicemails, ranging from a cautious "Are you okay?", to a worried "Please tell me where you are" to a full-out, angry "Finn Hudson, when I get my hands on you, you will regret the day you ever tried to ignore me!"

They were all no-gos.

She gets a call and jumps for her phone, only to find that it was just one of her colleagues, asking about their rehearsal schedules. She answers half-heartedly and drops her phone back on her bed as she throws herself on it.

She just wants to hear his voice. She just wants to make sure that he's fine.

Xxx

The knock on her door comes at three thirty in the morning. She was already asleep, dozing off on top of her covers with the small television set turned on, her body sprawled haphazardly on the bed. She starts when the knocks become more insistent, grumbling as she shuffles out of bed in a sleepy haze.

The knocks get even louder, and she harrumphs, rolling her eyes. It's probably her R.A.. Only Amanda ever bothers people at this time.

"I'm coming!" she yells, her voice hoarse from sleep as she yanks her door open.

"Rachel."

His voice takes her by surprise, and she looks up to find Finn standing in her hallway, a duffel bag over his shoulders, eyes wide and hair dishevelled. She looks up at him stupidly, the last vestiges of sleep leaving her as her brain registers his presence.

"Finn?" she says out loud. She sounds bewildered, because she is. His sombre expression relaxes, and his lips curve into a small smile as he looks down at her.

"Hi," he murmurs.

She does the only thing she could think of.

She slaps him.

Xxx

He's sitting almost cautiously at the edge of her bed when she comes back from the shared pantry, a small towel full of ice in hand. He winces when she comes close to him, and she smiles apologetically at him as she presses the towel against his cheek. She stands in front of him, mindful of the space.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs. There's an actual hand print on his face, and she feels guilty again when he nods. She really hadn't meant to slap him.

"How many times do I have to tell you Rach?" he says quietly, his tone slightly teasing. "You don't know your own strength."

"I didn't-" She stops and takes a deep breath as she moves the towel slowly over his forehead. "I didn't mean to hit you. I just- I was worried and you weren't answering anybody's calls and-"

"I know," he answers. His eyes are focused intently on her face and she tries not to blush under his scrutiny. He's _Finn_, and they've been so close _so_ many times before, but this time feels different. This time there's too much at stake.

"Are you- are you okay?" she asks quietly. He sighs, closing his eyes. As gently as she can, she moves the towel over his face, wiping the sweat of his brow, brushing over the curve of his jaw. She uses the towel to push his hair away from his forehead, tracing over his worry lines.

"Not really," he answers truthfully.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He says nothing for a while, and she keeps her hand on his face, determined to be whatever he wants her to be right now. She gasps in surprise when an arm suddenly reaches out to curve around her waist. She drops the towel in her hand, but it lands on his shoulder, ice falling out of their makeshift vessel when he pulls her closer, dragging her towards him until she's standing between his legs. His arms are around her waist, and he ignores the cold ice on his lap, his face buried against her stomach. She stands immobile for a second, before she reaches out to touch him, her fingers tentatively running through his hair as her other hand grips the top of his shoulder.

"Not really," he mumbles against her dress. His grip around her tightens, but he pulls back, and suddenly she's sitting on his lap as he holds her close. "Can we not- I just-"

"Okay," she whispers quietly. Their faces are leveled, and she's looking him right in the eye, watching as the corners crinkle gratefully.

She almost lost him. Two days ago, she thought she had lost him forever.

But now here he is, with his arms around her and her body on his lap, and his familiar scent surrounding her. She almost lost him. But she didn't, and he's here, and the relief that washes over her entire body is enough to drive away the multitude of questions that crowd her mind.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she murmurs quietly, reveling in the feel of his fingers digging into her waist. She leans forward to place a kiss on his cheek, and he relaxes against her. She wants to make him feel better. His hand trails up from her waist to cup the back of her head, and she's pulled into another hug, her face buried in the crook of his neck, his lips pressed against the crown of her head.

"Thank you."

xxx

Lying on her side with her hands tucked under her jaw, she pretends to sleep on her small, single bed, pretending like she isn't wholly aware of his body next to hers. He had insisted on sleeping on the floor, but that's just ridiculous. They've shared a bed before. They've even shared baby cots, and they once shared a make-shift tent for an entire week when he tagged along with her and her fathers on their once in lifetime camping trip when they were ten. That had ended with a huge blow-out when he scared her one too many times with his bear noises and they ended up not speaking to each other for the _whole_ six hour ride back to Lima, which felt like a lifetime when she was ten.

But that is neither here nor there. The point is that she's slept next to him before, but never before has such a simple act make her feel so… inadequate. She can't help feeling like she should make herself smaller somehow, give him more space. Maybe that's what he really wanted? To sleep on the floor so that he could have more space to himself, and she ruined it by insisting for him to lay next to her. Mentally berating herself, she considers pretending to roll off her bed. Then she could just conveniently tell him that she'll just stay on the floor, and he'll be scot-free and-

"Rachel?" She stiffens, her eyes momentarily blinking when he calls her name. It's a good thing that she's facing away from him. "Are you asleep?"

She breathes calmly, in and out, as she pretends that she is. She feels his body inching closer until he's pressed against her back and she tries not to hold her breath. She's not really sure why she can't seem to just turn around and talk to him, but there are all these feelings in their way, and he's so much more than just her best friend now (he always has been, but that's not the point), and she's terrified that she might push him away.

His arm snakes around her waist, the palm of his hand pressing against her stomach as he gently pushes her back into him, and her breath catches in her throat.

"You were the first thing I thought about," he whispers in the darkness, his mouth close to her ear. "I bolted without a thought in my head when she told me the truth, and- and I spent two whole days in a cheap motel room, drinking my brains out and hating her, and hating myself. But- but after that. You were the first thing I thought about."

Her heart beats wildly in her chest and he's pressed them so close together, his palm resting just below the curve of breast, that she's certain he can hear it. But she says nothing though, and he pretends like he couldn't as he kisses the crown of her head again.

"Goodnight Rachel."

Xxx

"So can you talk now?" she asks, her tone a little more demanding since last night. He has a Pop Tart halfway through his mouth and it hangs suspended when she speaks, his eyes widening just a little. They're still in her room. He's sitting on the floor and she opts to stand, to give herself more leverage. Finn finally takes a bite of his breakfast and shrugs, looking away from her.

"I just figured that I deserve an explanation, you know?"

"I know."

"So what is it?"

"I-"

He sighs, leaning back against the wall, as he closes his eyes, Pop Tart in hand. She waits patiently.

"She's not mine," he finally says quietly. Her eyes widen in surprise, although she couldn't really say that she didn't see this coming. "The baby- she- Quinn lied. She's Puck's."

Puck? His roommate, Noah _Puckerman_?

Her first instinct is to nag, to tell him that she _told_ him not to trust that girl, she _told_ him to check and if he hadn't been so _insanely_ trusting then- Rachel takes a deep breath, reeling herself in as she remembers the last five months. Everything that had happened was so crazy and surreal, and his true feelings for her and Quinn aside, he really did learn to love that baby. She was the only thing he was sure about.

"I'm an idiot." She turns towards him sharply, annoyed by his words.

"You are not," she says angrily. He looks up, and the cynical smile on his face bothers her.

"Rachel, I almost married a girl I barely even knew because she lied to me about her baby, the one she's having with my fucking roommate. I'd say that's pretty idiotic."

"You trusted them, and they used you," she tells him stubbornly, crossing her arms. He shakes his head, smiling ruefully at her.

"Yep. Ergo, idiot."

"_No_, Finn," she says loudly, stalking over to him to pull him up by his arms. She grunts at his weight, glaring at him until he relents and pushes himself up off the floor. He leans back against the wall, waiting patiently for her to continue her tirade as she stands on the balls of her feet, her hands in fists.

"They should be _ashamed_ of themselves for using you like that. _They're_ the idiots, not you. _They_ were the ones who made a mistake and instead of owning up to it, let an _innocent_ man take the fall. I swear Finn, if I could just get my hands on Quinn Fabray and if she wasn't pregnant-"

"Rachel-"

"I would _wring_ her neck for doing this to you-"

"Rach-"

"And Noah! The nerve of that- that _imbecile_! He was _hitting_ on me, all the while he knew. He _knew_ that- oh I could just-"

"Rachel!" His hands are firm on her shoulders as he gives her a little shake, but the slight smile on his face is what disarms her.

"Murder him in his sleep," she finishes quietly.

"You done?" he asks, eyebrow raised. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"Well, can you hear me out first before you continue? Not that I don't love hearing about how you're going to sic the hounds on them, but I kinda have something to say to you, and you're totally hijacking this conversation right now."

"If it's anything about how stupid you are though Finn. I mean, okay, I _did_ tell you to really check, but-"

"It's not," he says quickly, rolling his eyes in exasperation. She takes a deep breath when he shoots her a small lopsided grin.

"Fine," she huffs. "You may speak."

"Thanks," he answers wryly. He pulls her towards the bed and gestures for her to sit. She hesitates, but complies when he settles on the ground again. Finn looks up at her, and takes a deep breath before he opens his mouth.

"I'm okay," he tells her quietly. "No really," he stresses when she looks at him doubtfully. "I mean, I wasn't okay a few days ago. I was hurt and confused and like, really, _really_ fucked up, you know? I just- I still kinda hate her, and I still wanna kick Puckerman's ass all the way to hell, and I'm still a little humiliated, more than anything."

"You loved that baby," she mumbles, upset.

"I did," he says quietly. "I loved her. But she's not mine, and- and I was so confused about that, you know? But- Look, I hate Quinn for making me love her, you know? But then I think about what I would have lost otherwise and-" He takes her hand, pulling gently at her fingers as a smile starts to grow. He shrugs. "Then it's not so bad."

She feels the heat creeping along her cheeks while she stares determinedly at their clasped fingers. He tugs against hers again and she looks up to face him. He's still smiling, but there's a slight hesitance coloring his eyes. He's nervous, but he really doesn't have to be.

"Yeah?" she asks quietly. "Like what?"

"You're really making me say it?" he asks with a mock groan. There's an amused grin on his face, and she feels it growing on hers too.

"I really am," she tells him primly. Finn shakes his head before he gets on his knees and shuffles towards her. In his new position, his face is levelled with hers as he scoots closer, his arms winding their way around her waist. She wonders at the shift in the mood, but she doesn't question it when he leans in to kiss her. It's just a small peck on the lips, but she feels it down to tips of her toes when he pulls back, pressing his forehead against hers.

"Like you," he murmurs against her lips, before he moves in again. It's hard to kiss him and smile at the same time, but he fixes that problem when she feels his tongue sliding against the seam of her lips. Her arms move from her side to press against his cheeks as she allows him to deepen their kiss. She gets that familiar feeling overwhelming her again, the acute sense of being wholly present in the way that his fingers are digging into the curve of her hips, and the sounds of their sharp breaths in her ear. Finn gently pushes her back against the mattress, following her down as his body closes in on hers. The way his lips are trailing a blaze of fire over her skin is driving her crazy, but she's still too acutely aware of how their bodies are pressed close together, and of how this is Finn, and this is happening.

"This is new," she breathes out, sucking a breath when his hands start to wander beneath the hem of her shirt. He chuckles against the top of her shoulder, pausing with a nod as he pulls his head up to look down at her. Her anxiety dissipates at the warmth in his brown eyes, the crinkle of his eyebrows, and the sweet quirk of his lips.

This is _Finn_, and this is happening.

"I know," he murmurs, his fingers leaving the curve of her waist to gently hold her jaw. "But it's a good new, right?"

Slowly, she nods, the hammering pace of her heart evening out at the worry belying his confident tone. It's Finn. It's her Finn.

"It's a good new," she whispers, a shy smile teasing her lips. He nods, and this time it doesn't scare her when she feels the heat of his body pressing against hers. This time, she reciprocates.

Xxx

Her heart is still racing, and she knows he feels it because his ear is pressed right above it, but she doesn't mind. His finger is tracing random patterns on her bare stomach, dipping into her bellybutton and out again to trail up her ribcage. She giggles, swatting his hand away because he _knows_ just how ticklish she is.

"_Finn_," she admonishes quietly when he persist, poking against her side as she squirms underneath his weight. His laughter is quiet, carefree, and his entire body shakes with it while she rolls her eyes, futilely pushing against him.

"Stop it," she whines, and he finally does, pulling his fingers away to curve them around the hand she has resting on his back. He pulls away from her, and the playful look on his face gives way to a serious expression when she catches his eye.

"I have something to tell you," he says quietly and she feels the dread welling up in the pit of her stomach. What is it this time?

"What?" she asks cautiously.

"I didn't come here for me," he tells her. They're sharing a pillow, because her bed is small, and there's no space between them. "I didn't- I didn't come here because I needed my best friend."

"Then what did you come here for?" she asks. He smiles then, leaning forward to brush his lips softly against her cheek.

"I came here for you."

Xxx

He spends two years in Columbus, coming up to the realization that New York is where he wants to be, that anywhere with her is where he wants to be. He moves to New York City in the summer, and even though the thought of being a fresh graduate in the big city terrified him, she reminds him that things will always fall into place.

They do it right this time. They grow up, and grow together. And after two years of living with roommates that come and go, Finn finds them a place of their very own when they're twenty five. On their first night home, Finn builds them a makeshift forte in the middle of the small living room out of the boxes they were too lazy to unpack. And as she's laughing at his pathetic attempts to utilize his chopsticks, he smiles that all too familiar Finn smile, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans to pull out a small box.

The scene feels like an odd form of dejavu to her, when he snaps it open without a word and she sees her ring, the small, heart-shaped diamond glinting in the candlelight.

"I kept it, you know," he tells her needlessly. He doesn't ask, but she doesn't need him to as she watches him pull the jewellery out of its box.

He takes her hand, and she smiles.

* * *

_Three words that became hard to say_  
_ I and love and you_  
_ I and love and you_  
_ I and love and you_


End file.
